Phone dodging
The phone is ringing. I avoid answering it when you call. It makes me feel bad, but I just don’t want to talk. I don’t want to tell you that I don’t want to do what you want me to do. I don’t want to make plans with you. I’ve told you before that I didn’t want to answer the phone and you said it hurt your feelings. That is not my intention. I just don’t like talking anymore. I have found out that I don’t like talking to certain people because I would rather avoid the drama that gets spewed to me. You see, I have so much stuff going on in my head right now. And you go on and on and on about all this stuff that bothers you. No one ever asks me how I am doing. They just dump all their drama on me. Because I let them. Because I am a pleaser. I am a fixer. But I don’t want to be. I want to get my life in order again. I want to be happy. But you are driving me crazy.
That is not okay.
You don’t get to try to make me feel bad. Well, you can try all you want, but YOU don’t get to make ME feel bad. I am a good person. You want to control my thoughts. You want me to fawn all over you and lavish you with attention because you have something going on. But I have something going on too. And it’s just as important. You are selfish. You want everything your way. You want everything to be about you. Well it’s not. It’s not all about you. My life is about my life. I cannot control everything that happens in my life, but I can control how I feel about it and what I do about it. I am done letting you dictate how I am supposed to feel. I feel what I feel and that is okay. You want me to feel what you feel and that is not okay. It is not okay to expect me to take care of you and your feelings. I am trying to take care of me and my feelings. That is important. I am important. I have my own feelings. And that is okay.
Anxious about therapy tonight
Tonight is my second appointment with my therapist. She told me last time (2 weeks ago) that I needed to journal my feelings every night. I obeyed and did that for a few days. But I don’t like doing it. It’s so weird to see it all there on paper.
But how is that any different than journalling here? I mean, I talk about all kinds of random junk on here. A lot of it is personal, too. It just feels better doing it here. I hope the therapist says it’s okay that I journal here instead of on paper. I hope she wasn’t expecting me to bring my journal in for her to look at or something.
Journalling here is theraputic, though. I will definitely keep at it here, it just doesn’t feel natural writing it on paper. I feel lame with a book on my nightstand that says “I felt happy today” or “today sucked ass”. It’s strange. But this is somehow not strange. My feelings are out in the universe for anyone to read. But no one really knows it’s me saying it. I mean, they could figure it out if they really wanted to, but I kind of feel like it’s still anonymous enough.
Just for the doc:
“I feel ambivelent today”
Food tracking or one of the reasons why I am as-is.
I started this blog in an effort to track my food as well as my thoughts. I have yet to write down what I eat.
I obsess over what I eat. It’s pretty bad. I want to have a healthy relationship with food. But I can’t. I just want to eat everything. I brought leftover dinner in for lunch today but I forgot it was in the fridge and went to Chan’s for some lo mein instead. Plus I had like 5 cookies for breakfast. I *did* eat a banana, and there were veggies in my lunch…oh who am I kidding?! I ate like crap today.
But I’m okay with that. It’s odd. I am so polar opposite with my eating. Sometimes I won’t allow myself to eat. I am an undiagnosed anorexic. I withhold food to punish myself for being less than perfect. It’s a mind game with me. Sad, huh? Other times I binge on anything I can find that doesn’t have mayonnaise on it. But the feeling in my head is always the same. Both of those actions cause the reaction of me feeling like a complete failure.
But today I feel okay with eating what I did. It tasted good. It made me feel full. I don’t want more food, but I’m happy that I ate. To me, that’s a rare feeling. I want to savor this feeling the way I savor the flavors that I love so much. I want to have this feeling after every meal. I’m on my way to that.
And maybe once I find that place, I can start to love myself more.
Depression medicine experiment
I didn’t take my meds on Sunday. I took it yesterday. I didn’t take it today.
I have felt better and more normal the past three days than I have in SO LONG. Seriously. I’ve been cleaning my house, which I hadn’t been. I’ve been wanting to cook, which I haven’t been. I’ve been giving my hubby more bedroom attention, which I haven’t been.
I feel good. I’m going to keep doing this for a while. We’ll see how it works out. Hopefully I can wean myself off these pills before I go to Spain.
No headaches, either! Weeeee!
Midday ramble
I’m contemplating what to have for lunch. I have a tomato soup here with me…but that doesn’t really sound good. But I don’t feel like leaving either, plus there’s nothing really good out there to get…
I found some great recipes to try for this week. I’m kinda excited about that.
I am really upset with people. One person in particular. She was a great friend. Well, I was a great friend to her anyways. We met online, and became fast friends. At the last minute, she asked me to be in her wedding. I accepted. I found a matching dress and flew my happy ass across the country to be there for her. Did I mention her wedding was 5 days before mine? Yeah, I dropped everything to be there for her because that’s how much I care. Then two months later I flew up there again to suprise her. I stayed with another friend and we planned it just for her. I just wanted to see her again. I was there for her online and on the phone whenever she needed someone to talk to.
Then she couldn’t handle my depression. She didn’t know how to deal with someone with this disease. So she became a snotty brat. I explained to her that I was having trouble with life. That I was sorry I had this affliction, but I was unable to snap out of it like she wanted. She said I was “different” and that she didn’t know how she could be friends with someone that was “different”. So she started being a child in discussions. We are politically opposite, and so would seriously act like a child when she disagreed with me.
Then some time ago I guess, she deleted me off her Myspace friends list. HOW FUCKING CHILDISH is that?!?!?! Who the hell does that other than 13 year olds. It’s like the online equivelent of “talk to the hand”. Did I mention she’s older than me?
I guess I don’t need a toxic punk like that in my life. That’s cool. But it just feels like I got dumped. And I have mixed emotions. My heart is broken because I lost a friend. But my blood is boiling because she was such a fucking baby about it. I’m sure I’ll get over it soon.
After I stop feeling like a loser for being there for her all the time. But apparently it wasn’t enough.
I forgot…
I didn’t take my medicine yesterday. I didn’t get a giant headache like usual either. In fact, I felt better than I had in a while…I cleaned like a superstar martha clone. I haven’t cleaned in forever. Strange…the meds are supposed to make me feel better and more “normal” but when I don’t take them I feel better…
Conspiracy? I’m gonna take one now, but maybe not tomorrow. I’ve heard tons of people take one every other day instead of everyday. So now for the experiment…
Off to a mediocre start…
Well. Grampa had a stroke. Then while in the hospital, he went into cardiac arrest. Nice Aunt thinks Evil Aunt is trying to kill him. Grampa isn’t dead, he’s stable…but Evil Aunt is already “claiming” everything she wants. She has dibs on his truck, by the way. So terrible. Anyways, they ran tests on Grampa and found valium in his system, but he doesn’t take valium. And Nice Aunt found ant poison in his house, but he doesn’t need it and she didn’t buy it for him (he helps him out…Evil Aunt doesn’t do anything but try to get money from him…). It’s so heartbreaking. My mom is so upset…today is Father’s Day. And her daddy is very sick in the hospital. 
And I’m super upset about shallow things. I mean, I look like hell. I’m working my ass off in the gym and stuff to burn calories, but I keep gaining weight. I haven’t been eating too terribly, and I’m burning about 500 cals per day anyways…so I don’t get it. Ugh. My legs are SO HUGE. All my clothes are too tight. I seriously don’t have ANYTHING to wear. No jeans that fit. No shorts that fit. Nothing. What the hell?! I was in a size 4 less than a month ago, and now all of a sudden I have to squeeze myself into an 8. WHY?! And I peed on a stick, I’m not pregnant. So that’s out. I just want to give up. But then my husband will be repulsed by me.
By the way…the other day I was looking for my shoes that I had just put by the door to wear…he said he put them in the closet because “Somebody has to clean…” That broke my heart. Seriously, it felt like someone took a knife and cut my heart in half. He never says stuff like that to me. And then yesterday, I said “Honey, I’m sorry I’m not skinny and cute” he said, “You are cute honey”. *sigh* So that’s confirmation that he thinks I’m a fatass.
Tomorrow begins my diet of sugar free energy drinks, diet pills and depression meds. I gotta get skinny again.
